關於如何在學校以外的場域，建立與人之間有意義的關係?

(本文原刊登於 三才計畫 Staying Relevant)

反思的點：

• 你對於他人的人生是否有加值? Are you adding values to each other’s life?
• 你是否創造了他人也能做自己的環境? Are you creating an environment for other people to be themselves?
• 你是否正在過別人也想參與一部分的生活? Are you living an exciting life which other people would want to be part of?

現實是：

1. 學校裡 : 可以為了交朋友而交朋友

2. 學校外，職場上 :

• 交朋友被定位成一種交易，你會需要一個理由來開始
• 而那些不是交易定位的碰面，有可能被認為(或者是被誤認為) 是 romantic relationship

毋需害怕，因為 :

• 他人跟你一樣，也害怕受到傷害 other people are just as afraid of getting hurt as we are
• 每一位我們現在有的朋友也曾只是陌生人 every friend that we have now was once a stranger

所以保持開放平常心！一些建立有意義關係的方法：

1. Do cool things 做很酷的事情

(1) 不要為了交朋友而交朋友，那很表面。專注做酷的事情，人們自然會被你吸引

• Don’t try to make connections for the sake of making connections. They’re superficial.
• Do cool things and people will be attracted to you.

(2) 要怎麼知道正在做的事情很酷? 不要跟風，僅管做你在乎的事即可，你的熱情就自然會吸引到人

• Almost anytime I try to do something because I think other people think it’s cool, I fail.
• Whereas if I do something that I truly care about, my enthusiasm attracts people.
• There are many things I didn’t think were cool until I met someone who was passionate about it.

2. Provide value 提供價值

• 試圖問自己我可以為你做什麼? Try to figure out what I can do for that person
• Do someone a favor before asking that person for a favor
• 原因：長遠來說，我們比較樂意將能提供正向價值的人們加入我們的人生 We’re more inclined to add someone to our lives if that person can add positive net values
• 一個策略：揪團一起做 Roping friends in while crossing off items on one's own bucket list

3. Use social media 善用社群媒體

• 將社交媒體視為工具，好壞取決於怎麼用 : Social media is a tool: whether it’s good or bad depends on how we use it
• 寫部落格：Thoughtful blog posts are a great way to showcase your critical thinking and reach more audience
• 科普化艱深的概念：Turn difficult technical concepts into popular science
• 展示你的理解跟溝通技巧：Showcasing concept understanding and also great communication skills
• 電子報正在回籠，試著經營週期性電子報吧!：When people hear from you every week, you’re top of mind and they loop you in on things more often.

4. Don’t try to impress people superficially 不要去討好他人

• 對於該跟誰交朋友，要務實：Learned to be realistic about who I should try to befriend
• 務實的觀點：跟同僚(同人生階段者)做朋友較容易 Becoming friends with peers, people who are at the same stage in life as me and are working towards the same thing
• 跟前輩做朋友尤其困難，因為你很難有東西可以交換 : It’s hard to be friends with people way ahead of me because I have nothing to offer

5. Have a strategy for each meeting 每次碰面都要有策略(先想過)

(1) 與人碰面必然有事想討論，像是正在或過去做過的事，或洞見：

• Only reach out to people when there are things I want to discuss.
• It could be about their current work, something they did, or some specific insights.

(2) 一些保持對話的方法

• 收集好的問題集 : Collect good questions and keep a written list
• 允許長時間的空白，讓他人有機會用有趣的事情填滿它 : Allow for almost-awkwardly long silences; other person will fill them with something interesting
• 仔細聆聽，找尋當中不尋常的詞彙或模式 : Listen for words/models they keep using that are atypical

6. List of questions to get to know someone

(1) 大原則是：能不用預備好的列表就不用，因為傾聽跟回應他人才是最有效的方法 Listening and mirroring others are much more effective

(2) 若真的要用，好的問題通常有幾個特徵

• 回想充滿情緒的記憶 Recall an emotionally charged memory (positive or negative)
• 懷舊鮮少被提及的記憶 Recall a rarely accessed memory (nostalgia)
• 產生新的、過去沒想過的想法 Generate a novel response (think about something they hadn’t thought about before)

(3) 一些效果不佳，應該避免的狀況

• 跟你重複他們先前就和別人有過的對話 Having a conversation with you that they have had with someone else a moment ago
• 沒有從中認識到他們自己 Not learning anything about themselves
• 沒有從中覺得他們被你認識 Not feeling understood by you

(參考資料 : How to build meaningful relationships after college)